fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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