I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Randomize
