Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
