I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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