I cannot find my penis.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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