I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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