Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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