Don't you send me to vm
guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
