Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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