There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
