I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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