i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
