My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
