Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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