I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
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