i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
