Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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