she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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