I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Randomize
