Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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