3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
