I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
