So drunk its hurt
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
