Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
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