He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
