My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
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