the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
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