I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
