I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
