saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Randomize
