If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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