can we get nightvision for the apartment?
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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