Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
