You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
