today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
