One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Randomize
