When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Randomize
