Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
So vagazzling was a success
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
