So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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