You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
