You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
