Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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