Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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