The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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