Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
