i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
