you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Randomize
