cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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