i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
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