i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
The convent might be a nice break from real life
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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