help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
