My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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