i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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