You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Randomize
